Jennifer A. Miskov (written 2011)

Looking at “The Gift of Singleness” article I wrote several years ago, I have noticed that the insights are very good but that the article is a little imbalanced. It must be stated that I was not writing about an actual “gift of singleness” but more so referring to the “season of singleness” as a gift from God, one of the only times in our lives to be fully and 100% devoted to God without having to take care of our spouses, etc. I think having a godly perspective on dating is very important and I think the issue holds two tensions that need to be awkwardly balanced. I admit that I have swung from one extreme to the other but I do feel that some need to swing from the wait on God perspective to a more active stance on the issue depending on their season (while continuing to hold both tensions in the balance if that’s at all possible!).

This article is only written to those single people who are very interested in getting married in the near future. If that’s not you now, please enjoy and take advantage of the freedom that your singleness offers!

Men: Active Pursuing
There are many singles today who are lovers of Jesus but are experiencing severe loneliness and even depression because their needs are not being met with a spouse. Adam was lonely before he even sinned. Humans were created for one another, man and woman together in perfect union. Loneliness is a very real thing that is unfortunately plaguing many single Christians today. I want to encourage the men if they are stuck, to stop waiting for God to point them to the perfect woman who is going to be their wife before they do anything. For many, dating is how people find out if someone is good for them or not. Christians in general need to get over the hurdle of believing that the first person they ask on a date is going to be their wife.

Take some risks, date women to get to know them and once you get to know them you will know whether or not they are a good fit for you. And in the process, you will learn how to relate to women and hopefully develop some positive friendships in the process if putting God first. And a hint to men, you become more attractive when you are intentional and pursue a woman. And look for windows of opportunity and go for it. These change and when it’s too late, it really might be too late. Second hint, many women are more open than you think; many will give you a chance and go out on a date with you if you just ask. If it doesn’t work out, shake off the dust, at least you know that it wasn’t a good fit, then try again. If you don’t risk and get over the fear of rejection, you won't be able to move forward.

Women: Active Waiting
And women, rather than being an adorer from a distance and creating this wonderful fantasy of how you will one day fall in love with this ideal man, get out there and breakthrough into reality. Figure out a way to spend time with him, whether it’s in a group or out to coffee, and soon. Then at least you will know if he really is that ideal man you’ve made him up to be in your mind or if he is just a creation of your imagination. And then if he’s not the ideal man you thought he was, you won’t have to spend endless hours, days, weeks, and months wasting your thoughts fantasizing about someone whom you thought could be the “one.” I believe that it’s not our job to pursue men, but at the same time I think it’s perfectly okay to put yourself out there and pursue a friendship with a man you might be interested in. Please continue to put God first, be yourself, but also learn how to invite pursuit, smile, and be more open to the men in your life.

And if you are thinking about putting on makeup, dressing cuter, looking fabulous, yes that is something that will attract men, which is a good thing, but I think above all, if you choose to do any of these things, do them for yourself first and foremost. If you are content with yourself, make up or no makeup, that is what is going to show the most in your interactions with men. If someone’s heart is bursting inside them, they are full of smiles and love, and open, the right people will be drawn to them.

I really feel the season of preparation in the midst of the gift of the season of singleness needs to be capitalized on. I think that the best relationships happen when a woman is content in who and how God has made her, then she enters a relationship in a giving mode not a taking one. Granted, no one will ever be perfect enough before entering into a relationship but why not use that time before marriage to intentionally ask God to prepare us while we are actively waiting.

All:
So to all, I think the key word really is RISK. Begin to put yourself out there and take chances with people. As long as this is done with respect, each person can only begin to grow up more, learn from mistakes (yes, there will be many but you will improve with time, I promise), and get closer to marriage. Ask God to open up your eyes and heart. He may want to bring you someone whom you have not previously considered but who is right in front of you.

Just last year I needed to by a warm coat for my new life in England, yes in California we don't have such strange weather. Anyway, I looked and looked for the ideal coat. I was close minded to all coats over a certain price range as well as all coats with furry hoods. There was one coat that I really liked the style of. It seemed to be totally me but when I tried it on, it didn't fit right. I did actually consider buying it anyway. Regardless of how good it looked on the hanger, realistically it wouldn't have suited me because it didn't fit right. Finally, after looking for hours for that perfect coat, a friend convinced me to broaden my horizon. She encouraged me to at least try one of the coats with the furry hoods just to see. Turns out that I tried one, it was a great fit, and I ended up buying it.

All this to say, sometimes the style we think will be the perfect fit doesn't end up working at all. And there might be times we risk missing the unexpected perfect fit because we are too close minded to give it a chance. You will never know if it fits unless you try it on. What do you really have to lose anyway? You might make a friend in the process, or even better, who knows, you might end up with that perfect fit after a few tries. There might just be greater things God has for us if we are more open minded to possibilities we otherwise never considered. Just a thought.

Thanks for listening to my musings.

To read similar articles around this subject see:

Ladies in Waiting: 10 Encouragements for Single Women

God Holds the Key to Our Destiny

The Gift of Singleness (If you struggle to trust God in this area and always have to be dating someone)

On Break Ups

Water to Wine: Experiencing God’s Love in the Canary Islands

Silver to Gold: A Journey of Young Revolutionaries

Jennifer A. Miskov (2009)

On the issue of singleness here are some of my present thoughts and encouragements, mainly written for women, based off recent conversations, a friend asking me to write on “purity,” and my own devotional reading centered on Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. Here Paul is mainly giving his own wisdom and advice.

1 Corinthians 7:25-40
“Are you married? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this…I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may love in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord…”

I honestly don’t think that it is our responsibility to seek a husband. It is our responsibility to seek first His kingdom and trust that all things will be added unto us (Matthew 6:33). Marriage is not going to cure us from loneliness, not being satisfied, or our emotional void. Yes, it will deepen and stretch us, and there are incredible benefits, or so I have heard :). Yet in the mean time, there are so many wonderful things the single person can be celebrating and growing into. I have seen too many single people living a life of perpetual mourning and sitting around waiting for their prince charming to come instead of living a full life of adventure.

The Gift of Singleness is also the Gift of Preparedness in disguise. I have been pondering the woman of Proverbs 31 and more and more instead of trying to fantasize about my husband and what he will be like and praying for God to hurry up already and bring him to me because I have been so faithful (there has definitely been a time and place for that my friends), instead of all that, He has graciously turned me toward really beginning to love my future husband by having me pray preparation over myself. As a woman, instead of the outward action of seeking, I have been led to ask the Holy Spirit to do some intense preparation on my own heart and soul so that when the time does come, I will be ready.

Hadassah spent 12 months in preparation before getting her chance to meet the king and then consequently become Queen Esther. What could be worse than having the man of our dreams show up on his black stallion ready to sweep us off our feet but we don’t see him because we are wallowing in self-pity, struggling with bitterness that bleeds a horrible stench over us, or not self-controlled enough to wait for him? Or what if he doesn’t see our beauty because it’s clouded by all the baggage we haven’t taken the time to deal with? Granted nobody is ever going to be ready enough or perfect, but why not take advantage of the gift of singleness set before us to allow the Holy Spirit to make us even more wonderful than we already are so that we can give even more to our future spouse?

Ultimately living with the tension of the now and not yet in the area of relationships, being single and at the same time really desiring to be with a man and knowing, hoping that he is coming soon, doing this well all has to do with the issue of trust. The majority of my personal problems and my problems with God all come down to this issue…Trust. Is my perspective correct? Do I really believe what God says about me and my future and is He trustworthy to make all things comes to pass? If there is an intense desire in my heart to get married one day, can I trust that God will bring it to pass in His perfect timing if it is really His will? And can I be so secure in Him either way that I trust that He knows what is best for me regardless of the outcome? Do I really believe Him when He says He wants to do “immeasurably more than we ask or imagine (exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think)” in Ephesians 3:20? Do I believe Him when He says “There is no want (lack) to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing” in Psalms 34:9-10? Or when He says, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass” in Psalms 37:3-5? These are some of the main verses that consistently have gotten me through times of desperation in desiring to be with someone. These truths I continue to hold on to for when that next wave of desperation comes so that I won’t be swept off my feet.

Today, I am convinced that “my God shall supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:20). He is in love with us; let us invite the Holy Spirit to continue preparing us for when God’s perfect timing comes to pass. And in the meantime, let us enjoy this one and only chance to live a totally undivided heart towards the Lord!

To see another side of this issue that I wrote several years later, see Action Dating

To read similar articles around this subject see:

Ladies in Waiting: 10 Encouragements for Single Women

On Break Ups

Water to Wine: Experiencing God’s Love in the Canary Islands

Silver to Gold: A Journey of Young Revolutionaries

by Jennifer A. Miskov, Ph.D.

The following are 10 things I have learned in my own journey of singleness that I want to pass on to all of the ladies in waiting. I say “Ladies in Waiting” not because you are sitting around waiting for your prince charming, but because you are waiting on the Lord for all things, including the release of your husband. I hope and pray you are encouraged by some of the things God has revealed to me that have strengthened me in this particular journey of the heart. Not in any particular order…

1. God Will Give Us “All Things”

If the Father did not even spare His one and only Son because of His great and awesome love for us, how will He not also meet our every need and desire and give us all things, including our life partner at the right time (Romans 8:32).

2. Seek Him First and “All These Things” will be Added Unto You

God knows the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37). He will satisfy us just how we need to be met as we continue to seek Him first above all things (Matthew 6:33).

3. He works out “All Things” for our Good

Every broken relationship, risk taken, and broken heart God promises to turn around for the good of those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Allow the Lord to transform the hard times from the past to strengthen and prepare you for your future relationship.

4. He is the Author of our Relationships

It is God who stirs up and awakens love in it’s time (Song of Songs 3:5). He removes the veil and causes worlds to intersect in His perfect timing as we keep our eyes on Him and run after Him with everything. It is the Lord who opens or closes the doors of our hearts (Revelation 3). If the Lord is opening our hearts towards each other, no one can stop this. If it’s not the Lord, there’s not much we can really do to make something happen if He’s not leading us in it.

5. What God Joins Together Let No Man Take Apart

When it is God who does the joining together, there is no need to strive. If both people are actively seeking the Lord and He is leading them to each other, it will be an anointed journey. This does not mean it never gets hard but it means that there will be an abundance of grace for each other because God is the one who is at work doing the uniting. There are also times when God is not clear but as we step out and risk towards following our hearts, He makes it clear in His timing.

6. Don’t Go Anywhere without His Peace and His Presence

The journey into the heart is a wild and dangerous adventure. It is important to “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life (Proverbs 4:23 NLT).” Just as Moses was not willing to enter into his destiny if God’s presence did not go with him, so must we be courageous to enter into the depths and crevices of another’s heart only when God’s presence and peace is with us there (Exodus 33). We must align our lives with Him and be led by His Spirit above all other emotions and feelings.

7. It's Not “Either Or”, it’s “Both and More”

Because of Ephesians 3:20 and God’s promise to bless us exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask, hope, dream or imagine, we don’t have to choose between someone we are attracted to but who lacks character  versus someone we are not attracted to but are one in spirit with. I believe God wants us to have “both and more” all in the one He chooses to give us. He wants us to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually attractive to each other. Don’t ever settle for silver when you’re destiny is gold. God doesn’t want us just to be partnered together for a life of ministry but He also wants us to be so in love with each other that our love displays His glory to the world. Don’t marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can’t live without. Marry the person who inspires you to greatness, who stirs you to dive deeper into the heart of God. And be that same inspiration to them.

8. You Can't Say the Wrong Thing to the Right Person

If this is the one God has for you, no awkward conversations can deter that. If you are following the leading of the Holy Spirit and remaining open, there’s not a lot that can stop the momentum of God’s heart coming your way. Be patient and remember that God only has good things for you. Keep your heart yielded to Him. Remain open to receive all He has and is waiting to pour out on you in His timing. The process towards marriage is like Michelangelo discovering the David in the block of stone. As we take risks towards following our hearts, we are discovering something that is already there and destined to become. We are finding a hidden treasure in the other that God has buried long ago.

9. Rejection is Redirection

When you follow your heart, become vulnerable, and risk and the other person does not feel the same way, take the time you need to grieve the loss of what was hoped for and then move on. Rejection is just redirection and it means you are one step closer to discovering the person God has for you. When someone doesn’t choose you back all it means is that God is protecting you from giving your heart to anyone who is not going to be married to you. Clarity and rejection is so much better than fear of rejection because then you can move forward and out of the realm of fantasy into the reality of being prepared for an actual relationship. Celebrate the fact that you were willing to live from your heart and take a risk. You are now one step closer to the real thing with greater wisdom to take with you on the journey.

10. Diamond Rings

When you go to a jewelry store and look at the diamond rings, there will be one that stands out to you above all others. There will be one that is just the right fit for you, your personality, and style. One that you feel you could wear forever. This does not mean all the other diamond rings are ugly or have no value; it simply means they are just not the right fit for you. Just because one person does not feel called to align the rest of their lives with yours, that does not change the fact that you are amazing, beautiful, and unconditionally loved (Ephesians 1). It simply means it was just not the right fit and there is a better fit out there. No matter who reciprocates your love or who does not, you are still amazing. When you are rooted in God’s love, nothing can change your value and worth. Never forget who’s you are and that no matter what happens, you are awesome and beautiful in every way.

God is so for you and already at work behind the scenes to bring you into an even greater measure of abundance as you trust in Him (John 2). You are amazing and so loved because of His great love for you. As you feast on God’s goodness and pursue Him with everything inside of you, may He release alignments from heaven and may this part of your destiny be better than you could ever hope, dream, or imagine.

To read similar articles around this subject see:

God Holds the Key to Our Destiny

The Gift of Singleness (If you struggle to trust God in this area and always have to be dating someone)

Action Dating (If you are ready for marriage and need encouragement to begin risking)

On Break Ups

 

June 4, 2010

I have just experienced breaking up with my boyfriend after about a year and a half on and off. I have also heard from several other friends that they also have experienced a breakup from their boyfriends. The following is dedicated to them and is something I wanted to share of some of the things God has been speaking to me in the aftermath that might also bring encouragement to the brokenhearted whom God promises to remain close to (For “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3)

AUTHOR AND FINISHER
While I may not be translating this according to its original meaning, the Holy Spirit has used the passage in Hebrews 12 speak to me nonetheless. I have realized that it is God is the Author and Finisher of not only my faith but also my relationships. I really do feel that God brought me together and then also that He led me apart in my last relationship. I have come to understand that the season I had with him was a gift and for that time period God used us both in each others lives. I have also been encouraged to trust that because He is the Author of my relationships, that He will stir up, awaken, and initiate love in His timing in my future.

NOT SETTLING FOR SILVER
I am thankful that God won’t let me settle for silver but that He is intent on giving me exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Not that the last person I was with was silver, he was gold, but just not my gold. Sometimes it takes time and commitment with a person before figuring that out. God has spoken to me big time through the following verse that I hope will also bring encouragement to each of you, and also in light because I know each of you have already read Silver to Gold hopefully it will mean even something more:

Haggai 2:8-9 “‘The silver is Mine, and the gold is Mine,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘The glory of this latter temple shall be greater than the former…and in this place I will give peace,’ says the Lord of hosts.” 

I love that its all in His hands and that the gold is going to be so much better than the silver we have experienced in our lives and that for the future He promises peace. For this I am grateful and I pray that in the midst of the hard time of transitioning out of relationships, that his peace that passes al understanding not only abounds but also has a restorative affect on our hearts.

FULL LIFE
Finally I am thankful that each one of us has chosen to live the abundant life that Jesus promised in John 10:10. Abundant life is more readily translated as full life here; a life full of joys and sorrows, highs and lows. I think we each need to pat ourselves on the back in the fact that we risked, we opened our hearts, we chose to feel and to live life rather than hide and guard and protect ourselves from anything real. It’s been very hard emotionally for me because of things that have been done after the fact and I know for some of you as well, but regardless, how cool is that we are living and alive in this world, that we are actually feeling, that we have love and lost rather than never loving at all.

May the Holy Spirit enter into our alive and wounded hearts and pour out an amazing amount of mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and hope. May the fullness of His Spirit overwhelm those deep places of brokenness to bring complete healing. May He truly prepare us for our gold, satisfy us deeply with His love and security, and let forgiveness freely flow. Amen.

To read similar articles around this subject see:

Ladies in Waiting: 10 Encouragements for Single Women

God Holds the Key to Our Destiny

Action Dating

Water to Wine: Experiencing God’s Love in the Canary Islands

Silver to Gold: A Journey of Young Revolutionaries